Five Things You Should Not Say to Someone Who is Afraid

This post is only for people who truly care about their fellow Americans grappling with the reality that racism and hate are alive and well in our country.  

With a dramatic uptick in anti-person of color, anti-Muslim, anti-Woman, anti-GLBTQ, anti-Jewish, anti-disabled, and anti-immigrant language and violence, many Americans are under attack simply for being who they are.  

They're afraid.  We're afraid. 

This post is for people who truly care about those of us who feel as if we're walking around with a target on our backs.   This is post is for people who aren't targeted themselves, but are concerned for those of us who are.

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Photo Source: https://www.facebook.com/TheOther98/photos/a.115969958413991.17486.114517875225866/1532366693440970/?type=3&theater

If you are not a member of a targeted group and you think we're being silly or unreasonable or overly-dramatic and you won't be moved from that position, this post is not for you.  Save yourself the heartache and close this browser tab now.  Go on with your happy life and enjoy the privilege of feeling safe and secure in the world because your skin color, religion, sexual orientation, gender identity, etc... all pass muster with those threatening, instigating, and condoning violence against other human beings sharing this great country with you.

If you are not a part of the victimized groups and you want to be loving and supportive and kind, please note these

Five Things You Should Not Say to Someone Who is Afraid:

It's going to be okay.

Because it's not necessarily going to be okay.  Our President-Elect has the support of a variety of white supremacists, Islamophobes, pussy grabbers, disability mockers, Confederate flag wavers, and people who generally hate anyone who is not white, Christian, straight, and just like them.  They are feeling empowered right now and they're not shy about speaking and acting on their hate.  There have not been denunciations of their behaviors from the President-Elect or any of his team.   There have not been consequences for their hate speech and assaults on people unlike them.  They are emboldened and they will continue to lash out agains everyone they hate.  You cannot guarantee everything will be okay for anyone except people like them.  Hell, you cannot guarantee that they won't start turning on each other when they grow tired of toying with us.  It may not be okay for a long long time.  Don't brush the fear under the rug.  Don't minimize it.

It's just 4 years.

Do you honestly believe that all of this anti-everybody rhetoric and violence will go away when we potentially elect new leadership?  That's cute.  It's not going away.  It may be whispered instead of shouted as it has been for a long time, but it's not going to disappear.

You're being dramatic. -or- You're exaggerating.

If you watch the news or read posts on social media and you don't see people like you targeted for violence or hate, you are lucky.  If people like you aren't being told to get out or leave or kill yourselves, you are lucky.  It is hard for the rest of us.  We see people who look like us, who live like us, who love like us, who worship like us, who feel like us being mistreated.  We're told to go back to where we never lived.  We're grabbed by the wrists, clothing, hair, and told we need to listen and be polite while the reasons we're not worthy of being Americans are listed.  We're being terrorized by people yelling, chanting, and writing hateful things about us everywhere.  If you're not experiencing any of this because no one is targeting your group, you don't get to tell us we're being dramatic.  You don't get to minimize our fear.  You don't know our fear.

I understand, but...

There are absolutely no words that can come after "but" in this sentence that will help.

There. Are. Absolutely. No. Words. That. Can. Come. After. "But".  In. This. Sentence. That. Will. Help.

This is what I/we/he/she/they mean.

When you try to normalize hateful rhetoric, you become a proponent of that rhetoric.  When you try to explain it or minimize it or brush it under the rug, you become a vehicle of that rhetoric. You become someone we now fear, because you are demonstrating that, on some level, you buy into their hate and their violence.  You are now making the situation much worse.

Photo Source:  http://www.tropicalnow.com/how-can-i-help/

None of this is to say that your support, and love, and assistance aren't valued.  We really are Stronger Together and your kindness goes a long way to helping us figure out how to safely live in this world.

If you are not a part of the victimized groups and you want to be loving and supportive and kind, please note these

Five Things You Should Say to Someone Who is Afraid:

I'm listening.

The best thing you can give us right now is your ear.  Listen.  Just listen.  Hear what we are saying.  Try to understand where we are coming from.  Try to learn about our perspective.  We may see the world very differently from you.  Let us share our fears and hopes and understandings with you.  It feels empowering to know someone wants to hear what we have to say.

I care about you.

It's easy when you hear about and read about people just like you being attacked to think that no one but people like you cares about you or anyone like you.  It is comforting to know that someone outside of your community values you for who you are.

What do you need from me?

We may not need or want anything from you, but we're grateful that you offered.

I support you.

Like words of caring, words of support go a long way.  Even better?  Actions demonstrating your support of our targeted communities help build our faith in America and our world.

I love you.

I don't think I need to explain this one.

If you've read this far, thank you for being a loving, caring, and kind person.  We need more people like you in this world.  Thank you for your light and love. Thank you for your strength and support and understanding.  Thank you.