For the first time in my life, I was afraid to leave my house yesterday. After reading about the recent uptick of attacks on Asian Americans, particularly female Asian Americans, I have to admit, I was scared.
I don't scare easily. People who know me know that I am made of steel. I'm a rock. I'm not easily shaken.
Yesterday, I was shaken.
I needed to go to the grocery store and I needed to get my cell phone fixed, but I couldn't bring myself to head out of the house alone (especially without a working phone).
I live in ultra-conservative Suffolk County, New York. There are dozens of Trump lawn signs in my neighborhood. They don't particularly bother me, but one neighbor's lawn is covered with a different kind of Trump signs: they portray Hillary Clinton as a demon and a criminal. I live deep in red territory and the recent bursts of anti-"not me" rhetoric has me worried that my peaceful neighborhood might reflect some of what is happening across the country.
I'm a woman of color. Specifically, I'm a Chinese American. What complicates matters is that my appearance is what I call racially ambiguous. I'm clearly not white; but many people aren't quite sure what my racial background is. I get asked frequently if I'm Latina, if I'm Hawaiian, if I'm Native American. I don't physically present as any one distinct race. Go figure, I'm hapa (Chinese and Cajun). Add to this that I'm 5'2" tall if I'm standing as straight up as I can and I'm a chubby chick with a baby face and an easy smile.
Photo Source: http://hapamama.com/
I feel like I'm walking around with a bit of a target on my back. As Jason likes to point out, bullies go for the easy targets first, and by appearance, I'm an easy target. Hence, my fear.
And it's not enough to walk away from someone shouting, "Chink!" or "Go back to Asia!' or "Get out of my country!". Just this week, an Asian American woman tried to walk away and was grabbed by the arm and held against her will by a man who insisted the only reason she had gotten into college was because she was Asian. He ignored the fact that she was an American citizen. He refused to let her go and actually laughed that it was "too easy" to keep her against her will. He and his "witnesses" called the police when the woman defended herself and punched him in the throat. Simply walking away escalated this incident from words to physical restraint.
Jason volunteered to go to the store with me. Sure, having a 6"4" white male bodyguard would make me feel safer, but I can't take him with me everywhere. Baby steps, I needed to be reassured. Let's get over the hump of getting out of the house, then worry about flying solo.
Confession: I know not every white person is biased against people of color. I know not every biased person is aggressive or violent. I know these things. I know them in my heart and soul. I cling to the idea that people are good, people are kind, people are loving. I know this, yet I felt the adrenaline crackle in my veins and my body tense up every time I saw a a large white man or group of white teenage boys looking in my direction. I burst into tears at one point when a white man, a few inches shorter than Jason but about 30 pounds heavier, frowned at me a few seconds too long after he bumped into me. I found myself uneasy when Jason got to far from me.
I HATE feeling this way. I HATE being afraid of people. I HATE assuming the worst of people based on their appearance. I HATE that I'm thinking like people I disagree with for this very reason.
Fear is powerful.
So, I have work to do.
Photo Source: http://www.shutterstock.com/pic-215918245/stock-photo-fear-acronym-concept-of-bravery-choice-in-life.html
First, I need to identify my fear.
Second, I need to confront my fear.
Third, I need to overcome my fear.
Fourth, I need to repeat the above every minute of every day.
Fifth, I need to share my experience and process with others like me.
This is a process. It will take time. It will not be a straight line of progress. It will not be easy. I will need strategies. I will need support. I will need to be gentle with myself. I will need to dig deep and find bravery I've never had to access before.
I have work to do. I am committed to doing it. Why? I know what lies on the other side of my fear.
Photo Source: http://weknowyourdreams.com/fear.html
I know that building a better, more loving, kinder, more tolerant world starts with building a better, more loving, kinder, more tolerant me. I need to be the change I want to see in the world. (Thank you, Gandhi, for your wisdom.) I need to build my inner strength so that I can be strong for others.
I pledge to do this not only for myself, but for all of us who feel afraid. I pledge to be an active participant in the SafetyPinUSA movement.
Photo Source: https://twitter.com/SafetyPinUSA
I pledge to be there for you if you feel unsafe. I pledge to stand with or sit with or speak with or listen to you when you need an ally. I pledge my kindness and love to you. I pledge to give back the support that I myself need to move forward.
Let's take care of each other, so that we're all less afraid. Let's make America kind again.
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