I Overestimated Us

I thought we were better than this.  I thought we were caring, loving, compassionate people.  I thought we understood the importance of freedom of speech, freedom of religion, tolerance, acceptance, and kindness.

Photo Source: http://www.progressiverags.com/newcoshat.html

I overestimated us.  I overestimated all of us.  I credited Americans with the power of critical thinking, a vision of inclusion and equity, a desire to coexist peacefully, and a culture of civility.

I was wrong.  I was so wrong. What hurts the most about being wrong is the cold truth that almost half of this country supports policies of exclusion, intolerance, inequality, discrimination, ignorance, and oppression.  What hurts is that too many people are just plain mean.  Too many people are just plain selfish.  Too many people are okay with cruelty.  Too many people are okay with ignoring facts.  Too many people are hateful.  Too many people think that all of this is okay.

Photo Source:  http://alfa-img.com/show/that-is-not-okay.html

It's not okay. The bile...the hatred...the fear...the violence...the intolerance...the incivility...the name calling...the mockery...the ignorance...the unwillingness to compromise...the insults...the lack of empathy...the aggression...the rudeness...the condescension...the privilege..the out and out racism...none of this is okay.  This is stuff we tell little kids not to do.  This is stuff we punish children for doing; yet it's becoming acceptable for adults to do this to one another in public.  The success of Trump's campaign cannot be license to be and do all of these things.  His presidency cannot justify the resurgence and acceptance of this bad behavior in our society.  It cannot stand.

We cannot let it stand.

Let me be clear.  I know I am saying we need to be intolerant of intolerance.  I get the irony of that.  However, I do not believe in meeting fire with fire.  My position is not that we sit idly by, acting politely and tsk tsking bad behavior.  My position is that we fight...we battle...we rage...with kindness and love.  We refuse to let this behavior stand in our presence.  We refuse to let this behavior stand in our world. But we do this right.  Michelle Obama nailed it when she said, "When they go low, we go high."

http://www.goodandkindcompany.com/kindness-helps-kindness-heals-positively/

How do we do this?

I'm a teacher, so I'm always thinking of strategies.  Here are a few:

• Don't engage the bully.  Engage the victim.  If someone is being verbally harassed, bullied, demeaned, called names - don't engage the harasser.  Engage the victim.  Ignore the harasser.  Pull attention away from him or her.  Sit or stand next to the victim. Talk to the victim about absolutely anything except the harasser.  Remove the fuel from the fire.  Without getting a reaction, the harasser is likely to simply sputter out, stop, and walk away.  
• Ask questions.  Do this calmly and quietly.  You don't want to give the bully a pulpit and an audience.  Be kind in your tone and approach.  Ask why he/she feels this way.  Ask about his/her experiences that have lead to this reaction.  Prompt him/her to tell you more. Don't offer your thoughts, just listen. Empathy is a strong weapon.  If you can get to the root pain of an outburst, you've just deflated the tantrum.  It really is magical.   Once someone feels he/she is heard and acknowledged, the event just stops.
• Walk away.  My mama always told me to be the bigger person and she was right.  It's difficult though.  It's hard being the bigger person.  It's hard being mature in the face of immaturity.  We want to engage. It's natural to engage.  Frankly, it's fun to engage.  Engaging won't get you anything but escalation.  Just drop it.  Walk away. Bring others with you. Remove the fuel from the fire.  Suck the oxygen out of the room.  It will stop.
• Separate the person from the message.  Know that it's okay to be angry/upset/anxious when you hear awful stuff.  Awful stuff makes us want to lash out.  It's okay to be upset with the stuff.  Sit with it for a while.  Acknowledge why and how it bothers you.  Remember you're upset with the message.  The person?  Well, people are complicated.  Likable people do and say and believe unlikable things all of the time.  It's okay to be okay with a person but not his or her thoughts, actions, or behaviors.  Remember you're upset with ideas or behavior or beliefs.  Nothing brings out the best in a person than being told they are loved no matter what.  "I don't like what you're saying/doing/thinking; but I like you." You're not going to change his/her mind, but you can change his/her behavior simply by valuing him/her as a person.

None of this is easy.

I repeat:  None of this is easy.

But all of this is important.  So very important.  We can do this.  Let's help each other do this.  Let's do this right.

#WeHaveWorkToDo